Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
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No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.