The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
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half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
Children of the corn 🌽
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
had to share :’)
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
If snakes were wide
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves