If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
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[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.