{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
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“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.