Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
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Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
getting corrected
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.