Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
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Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.