Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
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Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
Hmm, not sure about this change