Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
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exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.