I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
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Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
Feel. He’s so soft.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
buys donuts instead