My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
You Might Also Like
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
The three genders
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one