You Might Also Like
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.