If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
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When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
What do you hear?
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom