* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
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When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
These 3D printers are insane!
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.