The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
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[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Sending in my taxes
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.