They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
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Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
What the hell happened here.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.