“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
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Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
My work here is done
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
Erm I’m gonna say no
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces