please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
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Mad Max: Furry Road
Best mom ever 😂
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off