I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
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Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel