My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
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Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die