Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
You Might Also Like
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.