Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
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I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
best review i’ve ever seen
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”