Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
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Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
Saturday
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.