When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
You Might Also Like
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
Saving my good tweets for marriage
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
“what that mouth do?” complain
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house