i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
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I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
“TGIM!” – My liver