God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
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[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear