I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
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Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
when there are deer in the woods
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.