*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
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drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.