When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
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Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator