It’s a gift
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[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
bias laundering edition
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)