ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
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“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined