this has to be peak English
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the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.