I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
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Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
Battery falling down a hole
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
me before I type out affect or effect
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
inside you are two wolves
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
Damn he played himself
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.