Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
You Might Also Like
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
No. YOU-buprofen.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.