CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
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worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
Received some very disappointing news today
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.