As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
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Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
Was it something I said?
The symmetry is uncanny.
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners