A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
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[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart