Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
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Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
Oh hi lol
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time