Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
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I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
idk flipping houses looks really hard
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.