Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
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wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?