GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
You Might Also Like
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees