Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
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Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
time for some seasonal decor
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*