an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
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The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
Have a lovely day 😊
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough