There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
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The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
it is time once again
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).