Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
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Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
My blood type is coffee.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay