How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
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Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
ok like just. call me at this point
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter