I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
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age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza