I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
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As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
Important reminders
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”