Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
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My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*