“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
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If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
Well, that didn’t work.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
This forever.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
Dudes named Chance never had one.
How did we not see this back then?
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.