BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
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My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
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10. He is a cat.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet